Jokes!!

Anything else unrelated to gaming can go here.
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Da_Goat
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Jokes!!

Post by Da_Goat »

OK, post all your favorite jokes here.........keep 'em PG 13. It's pretty hard to limit jokes to G or PG, but don't get gross

1st joke:
One day in class, the teacher comes up with a bright idea. She decides that every Friday she'll ask a scientific question, and if somebody answers it correctly, he/she won't have to come to school the following monday. So the first Friday arrives, and she asks the class "how many stars are in the sky". Nobody could answer it, so she said "See ya Monday". Next Friday comes, she asks "how many fish are in the sea". Nobody could answer it, so she said yet again "See ya Monday". The next Friday rolls around, and she asks "how many grains of sand are there on the earth". Nobody could answer it, so she said "See ya Monday".

Now this boy named Johnny was getting infuriated at these impossible questions. So one day he takes a few golf balls and put black shoe polish all over them, and brings them to school the next Friday.

So the next Friday rolls around, and the teacher says "Ok class, time for your scientific question". As she says that, the boy rolls the balls up to her feet. She looks down and says " *sigh* Alright, who is the comedian with the black balls?" and Johnny raises his hand and says "Bill Cosby, See ya Tuesday".


2nd joke:

This girl was in a Christian Sunday school, and was dozing off. The teacher, noticing it, said to here promptly "who created the world". Just as she said this, the boy behind her poked her with a penci, so she sat up and screamed "Oh My God!". "Very good," said the teacher. The girl started to doze off again, so the teacher asked her "Who is our savior?" *kid pokes her*. "Jesus Christ!" she said. "Very good". Once again, she started to sleep, so the teacher asked her "What did Eve say to Adam after their 23rd child?". *poke* She said "If you stick that thing into me one more time, I swear to god I'm going to break it in two!".

3rd joke:

This guy walks into a bar and he says "ouch"

4th joke:

A man finds a genie, and the genie grants him three wishes, but whatever he wishes for every lawyer get double. So the man wishes for 5 million dollars. The genie says "Every lawyer gets 10 million dollars". So the man says "I wish for a red Viper" so every lawer get 2 vipers. So the man gets sick of this and says "I'd like to give a kidney".


Post your jokes!
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Post by John The Ax »

A man wins tickets to the Super Bowl. Unfortunatly, his seats are closer to the blimp than to the field. About halfway through the second quarter, he notices an empty seat on the fifty near three rows back. He carefully watches, and when no one gets in it, he gets up and walks down. He says the the old man next to it "Is anyone sitting here?"
"No, it was reserved for my wife, but she died."
The man felt bad, but wondered why he couldn't just bring a relative or something. So he asked.
"Well..."The old man replied, "They're all at the funeral."
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Post by Da_Goat »

joke 4:

This guy signs up for a class called "relativity", but doesn't know what it is. So he goes to his teacher and asks him what it is. The teacher says:
teacher:"Well, do you have a lawnmower?"
man:"yes"
teacher:"if you have a lawnmower, I take it you have a lawn"
man:"yes"
teacher:"if you have a lawn, you must have a house"
man:"yes"
teacher:"and if you have a house, you must have a wife"
man:"yes"
teacher:"and if you have a wife, you must not be gay"
man:"yes"
teacher" "that's relativity"
man:"ok, I got it"

So the man walks out to the hall, and another man goes up to him and asks what relativity is. So the man who just asked the teacher says:
man 1: "Do you have a lawnmower?"
man 2: "no"
man 1: "You Queer!"
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Post by Jean »

"A Great Writer"

There was once a young man who, in his youth, desired to
become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to create words
that the whole world will read, words that people will react
to on a truly emotional level, words that will make them
scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

:cuccoan:
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wardrich
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Post by wardrich »

lol good jean, and all of ya!!

joke 1:

16 REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK
1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It leads to more honest communications.
3. It reduces complaints about low pay.
4. Employees tell management what they think, not what they want to hear.
5. It encourages car pooling.
6. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
7. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
8. It makes fellow employees look better.
9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
11. Salary negotiations area lot more profitable.
12. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.
13. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
14. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
15. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
16. Sitting "Bare ass" on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross."

joke 2:

A man was carrying 2 babies, one in each arm while waiting for a train.
Along came this woman and seeing the 2 cute babies, said to the man,
"Aren't they cute, what are their names?"
The man giving the lady an angry look replied, "I don't know".
The lady asked again, "Which is a boy and which is a girl?".
The man looking angrier than before replied, "I don't know".
The woman then started to scold the man, "What kind of a father
are you?".
The man replied, "I am not their father, I am just a condom salesman and
these are 2 complaints that I am taking back to my company."
joke 3: (sorry blondes)

A lawyer is sitting next to a blonde on an airplane. He turned
to the blonde
and asked her if she wanted to play a game.

"I ask you a question, and if you can't answered it correctly
then you pay
me five bucks, and vice-versa."

The blonde really just wanted to get some sleep, so she refused
politely.
But the lawyer persisted.

"Fine, if I can't answer a question correctly, then I'll pay you
$50!"

The blonde figured that if she went along with the game he would
leave her
alone afterwards.

"What is the distance from the moon to the earth?"

The blonde searched her purse and handed him a five dollar bill
and turned
to get some sleep. But the lawyer bugged her to ask him a
question.

"What goes up a hill with three legs and down a hill with four?"

The lawyer was stumped. He took out his laptop and searched all
over the
net, emailed his friends, and looked in every search engine he
knew. But he
never found an answer. So he handed her fifty dollars and the
blonde took
it.

"So, what is the answer then?"

The blonde handed him a five dollar bill and went back to sleep.


joke 4: (here's 1 4 u emmzee!)

Top Ten Ways to Freak Out Your Roommate

10) Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one
after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the others. Wait a
few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it. Explain to your
roommate, ''He just didn't belong.''

9) Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows
how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the
room with concern.

8) Draw a tiny black line on your nose. Make it bigger every day. Look at it
and say, ''The hair, it's growing. Growing!''

7) Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at
your roommate and mutter, ''Soon, soon....''

6) Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one
pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.

5) Tell your roommate, ''I've got an important message for you.'' Then
pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what the message
was. Later on, say, ''Oh, yeah, I remember!'' Pretend to faint again. Keep
this up for several weeks.

4) While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your
roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.
3) Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the
sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, ''Hey,
where the heck is my sandwich!?'' Complain loudly that you are hungry.

2) Every time your roommate walks in yell, ''Hooray! You're back!'' as loud
as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep
looking at your watch and saying, ''Shouldn't you be going somewhere?''

1) Talk back to your Rice Krispies. All of a sudden, act offended, throw the
bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, ''No, I
want to watch them suffer.'''



joke 5:

POOR COMMUNICATION SKILLS
A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises,
two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened. Well, it was like this",
said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a
difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to
look for them, and while I was rooting around noticed one of the cows had
something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and
sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it--stuck
right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my big mistake."
What did you do?" asks the doctor.

Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like
yours!'.
I don't remember much after that.


joke 6:

A team of archaeologists were working in Jerusalem when they found a slab of
rock with five figures carved on it.

In order, the figures were:
1. a woman;
2. a donkey;
3. a shovel;
4. a fish;
5. a Star of David
After months of studying the rock, and the figures on it, the leader took
the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said: The carvings were several
thousand years old, but even so, they revealed a lot about the people of
that time:

1. The woman being placed first in the line of figures indicated that women
were held in very high esteem. It was most likely a family oriented
culture.

2. The donkey indicated that they had domesticated animals. They probably
used the donkey to till the fields.

3. The shovel shows they were highly intelligent, as they knew how to make
tools.

4. The fish shows they knew how to augment the crops they raised by also
reaping the sea.

5. The Star of David, of course, indicates they were a very religious group
of people.

A little old man in the front row raised his hand to get the attention of
the speaker. When acknowledged, he said, " I'm sorry to blow your
conclusion but you were reading it from left to right. In Hebrew, we read
from right to left.

That way, it reads: "Holy mackerel, dig the ass on that babe!"


j0k3 7:

Magic Elevator?

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.

The lad asked, "What is this, father?"

The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.

The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."



joke 8:

Q/ What do you call a cow with no legs?

A/ Ground Beef!


joke 9:

Tell me this.
If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the
earth?
Why can't women put on mascara
with their mouth closed?
Why is it called Alcoholics
Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say,
'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

Why is there a light in the
fridge and not in the freezer?

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight package?
Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries have a 'use by'
date?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no-one would
eat?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, ‘I think I'll squeeze these dangly
things here and drink whatever comes out‘?

What do people in China call their good plates?

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a
hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but not to their crotch when
they ask where the toilet is?
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Post by wardrich »

joke 10

Ways To Annoy People

Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.

Specify that your drive through order is "to go."

If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

Practice making fax and modem noises.

Highlight irrelevant information on scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.

Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophecy."

Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

Disassemble your pen and "accidently" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

Adjust the tint on your TV so all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

Staple papers in the middle of the page.

Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

Honk and wave to strangers.

Decline to be seated at a restaurant and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and re- route whole streets.

Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."

Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin.

When nearly done, announce, "No wait, I messed it up" and repeat.

As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

Ask people what gender they are

While making a presentation, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars and see if they slow down.

Sing along at the opera.

Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

And last but not least - start to giggle like a lunatic on the commuter train service absolutely no reason.

joke # i dont even remember :

TESTED BY WARDRICH HIMSELF:

do you have a programming teacher you dont like? Get some of the big straws (like from DQ), put them in your mouth, put you hands behind your back, and type with the straw. It is really funny if you can get your friends in on it with you!

joke # 1 bazillion and 1 (did i skip some??) :

funny t-shirts, lines, and miscellaneous funnies


1) The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

> >2) I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

> >3) I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

> >4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

> >5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

> >6) Don't take life too seriously; you won't get out alive.

> >7) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

> >8) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

> >9) Earth ... is the insane asylum for the universe.

> >10) I'm not a complete idiot; some parts are missing.

> >12) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

> >13) I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.

> >14) I want to die in my sleep,like my grandfather not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

> >15) God must love stupid people; He made so many of them.

> >16) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

> >17) It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.

> >18) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

> >19) Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

> >20) Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

> >21) Beer ~ The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon!

> >22) "That's It! I'm Calling Nana!" (seen on an 8-year old)

> >23) "Wrinkled.... Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"

> >24) "Procrastinate..... Now"

> >25) "Rehab..... Is for Quitters"

> >26) "My Dog.... Can Lick Anyone"

> >27) "I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries With That?"

> >28) "Party - My Crib - Two A.M." (On a baby-size shirt)

> >29) "Finally 21, and Legally Able to do Everything I've been doing since I was 15"

> >30) "Arkansas: One Million People and 15 last names"

> >31) "FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software."

> >32) "I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I'VE GOT A GUN"

> >33) "A hangover is the wrath of grapes"

> >34) "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance"

> >35) "STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!"

> >36) "DISCOURAGE INBREEDING - Ban Country Music"

> >37) "They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken"

> >38) "He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead"

> >39) "Time is fun when you're having flies"...Kermit the Frog

> >40) "POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN ...Cops have nothing to go on."
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Post by John The Ax »

I can tell you why water has an expiration date. It starts to taste like plastic after a while. Seriously, too.
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Post by Ally »

Here's my joke:
A Kentucky hick walks into a bar and sees Jesus. The hick says "Don't touch me, I'm on disability".
Also, I hope this one is appropriate:
What do you call an Amish with his hand up a horse's ass?
Mechanic.
I thawt yer inglich wuz vari gud.- Dan (Da_Goat)
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Post by Da_Goat »

:laugh: @ 2nd one
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Post by DOSfan »

Nice jokes everyone!!! They had me laughing for hours!
HEY HEY I AM BACK DOS_4_life is now me. I got a new computer.
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Post by Oz »

i do believe that wardrich's jokes were from www.collegehumor.com , but i'm not sure. i'll go and check.
webmaster from hell

Post by webmaster from hell »

What goes vroom-screech, vroom-screech, vroom-screech??

A: A blonde going through a blinking red light
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Post by wardrich »

my jokes were all emails to me from random ppl
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Post by Da_Goat »

Top 10 answring machine messages (somebody posted these on a different' forum):

10. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity at the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and home phone number and they will get back to you.
8. This is not an answering machine, this is a telepathic thought recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number, and your reason for calling, and I'll think about returning your call.

7. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

6. Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my bank, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have LOTS of money.

5. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message.

4. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner.

3. Hi. Now YOU say something.

2. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

1. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right, real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll call you back.
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Post by shaunj »

I heard this joke when i was doing my paramedics course:

A heart surgeon just passed away, so everyone is invited to his funeral,
so everyone sits down in the church, but the strange thing is every thing is heart shaped, so this guy starts laughing. The guy sitting right next to him asks- why are you laughing, he replies, i just find it funny how everything is in the shape of a heart, so i wonder what theyll do for my funeral because im a gynaecologist.
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Post by Quatroking »

its red and is ticking on the window...














Super mario in a microwave!!! :devil:
IM FUCKING EXTREEEEEEEME!!!!
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Post by julie124 »

that joke sucked ass there quatroking, sorrry to be so mean, but its the truth
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Post by SpaceFans »

Wow you guys are funny HAHAHAH
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Post by GameMaster.EXE »

SpaceFans wrote:Wow you guys are funny HAHAHAH
Stick around, more to come.

Heres a good one:

Yo mama so fat, she walked into a japenese resteraunt and everyone started shouting "GODZILLA!"
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Post by CPT Worm »

C. Napier was in control of a command in Western India back in the 1800s.
Now, he was under strict orders from the British government not to expand the borders. His superiors were worried that India had become too fragile and couldn't take further expansion.

However, he saw an opportunity in a place called Sind. He took the chance and occupied the position.

He sent the British command a one-word telegraph: "peccari."

Which translates into "I have sinned."
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